When should a widow start dating again

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Both types of widowers will treat you like a queen, tell you how much they love you, and do other things that make you feel like the center of their universe. It is hard to share these things with someone new.

As she is very young, should rules about what can be discussed with her be put down and followed, she will probably be able to get past this. I asked him what he would have thought if one of them had met to me and told me it was too soon for us to marry. However, widowers who aren't serious about starting over with you can only fake these relationships for so long. He too was firm on the position that he would not be told how to between his life even while making it clear that he understood why his moving on and remarrying was hard for them. Which is not a long time. She is divorced with kids and I recently met her a few times while out socially. He is clearly grieving and met by his loss, which is compounded for him by the deaths of two other close family members in the last few years. My parents were happily married 34 years. There are online groups and organizations too.

Sooner or later, the doubts that have been nagging them since they first became serious with you will overwhelm their desire for companionship. That will be the 6 month mark. I love my late wife and I always will.

loading - She wants to have a baby shower and would like to invite her girlfriends with their husbands or boyfriends. Go to the wedding or not.

It depends on who you ask. Scarlett knew the rules on widowed decorum because society at that time spelled it out. Mourning lasted for one year. It may have sucked, but everyone was clear on the time frame and waited while perhaps discreetly lining up suitors for once the deadline had passed. Whereas the newly broken up or divorced are free to take the field again as soon as they like, the widowed must navigate religious, family and community rules on the subject, and they vary. So how soon is too soon? Stereotypes say that men date sooner and remarry more quickly than women do, and there is statistical validity in this. But, having children or not, being younger or older and your general state of resiliency in the face of tragedy plays into this as well. Younger widowed date and remarry sooner, and at higher rates, than older ones. Once a widow hits 65, the odds for remarriage fall off sharply. Widowed with children date and remarry with ease or not depending on the age of the children, and believe it or not — with when it comes to dating and remarriage with teenagers coming in an unsurprising second. At what magical point in the days, weeks or month after a spouse dies is dating permitted? Then it was back to online with Cupid. The majority of men I met through it were varying degrees of depressing in their hunt for on-call girlfriends. It was while taking a break from dating that Rob appeared. More widowed than will admit to it try to date at some point within the first year. Some people even begin dating with weeks or a few months. You can date whenever you like. Generally, if you have good, supportive relationships with kids, extended family and friends, this will all work out and they will be happy and supportive. Your kids are not. Try to avoid a revolving door of dates where underage kids are concerned. Only introduce them to people you feel you have a future with, and when you do, expect them to behave like well-brought up humans. If problems arise with adult children, remind them that they should spend their time and energy minding their own lives. If you are in the market for more — act like you are. Playing the widow card in the relationship arena is a no-no. Or even ever want to. Some widowed find contentment and even a lot of joy in being single and unattached. The point is that the days of donning mourning for public displays of grieving for specific periods of time are long over. Anyone who is spouting rules and timelines at you has an ulterior agenda, and you are within your rights to question them and it. It has only been 6 weeks, I am widowed at 42. I lost my husband unexpectedly 13 days short of our 8th wedding anniversary. We had been together for 13. I was appalled by this behavior! Now I sit in an identifiable situation as to losing a spouse. Let me say this from my own experience…the Loneliness a widow feels is excruciating. The word lonely is putting it mildly. This is how I ended up here, reading, posting…etc My heart still is hurting, my brain is still trying to wrap my head around it, my loneliness now is what I feel on a constant. So as far as others opinions, like in-laws,children or even old friends , unless you have walked in my shoes on my path of loneliness…I want everyone to realize how lonely loneliness actually is. I started dating a widower 5 months after his wife had passed. He started dating about a month after she died. He had a few very short relationships. We dated for 6 months then he fell into deep depression. He decided he did not know if he loved me as he confused about all his feelings due to the depression. He states he knows that he deeply cares about me. I had just finally been welcomed by his kids and his friends who were also close to his wife. It was a rocky beginning in that respect. We had a great relationship. Lots of love and loving acts. People would comment all the time, that they could tell we had a special bond his friends and mine. When he went into depression he said he needed a break. It has been a month and I am heart broken. He is still in depression and does not see the light. He says he wanted and wants our relationship to work past this. We are not together now. I truly love him and want to be understanding. He states he thinks his grief took over and has pulled him into this depression. He wants to be better. I guess I just need some words of encouragement. We have so much in common and had a great love, that we both miss. When we dated he took off is wedding ring, took down pictures not all of course, mostly in his room where we were intimate started to move forward. I tried not to push him. The one thing I did tell him was that I did not feel comfortable in his room until it was only his room. I told him there was no time limit, it could be weeks, months, years. It just made me feel so weird, as if we were having an affair. He had taken most of the stuff down before this conversation but apparently this conversation triggered his depression. He said I am not to blame, it was bound to happen. Just remember this is your life and relationship too. Keep your best interests in mind. I hope things work out the way you want them to. This is an old post, but I just wanted to leave a comment and say how much this blog has helped me. My mother-in-law passed away just over four months ago, and my father-in-law started seeing his next door neighbor, if I had to guess, a couple months ago. I think my sister-in-law and I have struggled with it the most, although I know it bugs my husband. It upset all of us. I honestly started to believe she had her eyes on him the whole time my mil was ill and was just using him. I became upset to the point of tears and imagined every nasty thing I could say to both of them. Why was I taking this so personally? I wanted him to move on and be happy, but only when we deemed it appropriate and with a woman WE approved of. How silly is that? That would just cause resentment. I do feel that we all deserve the time we need to grieve, so if my husband or sil is not ready to have her over for their Bdays, then I feel his father and gf should be respectful of that. And I believe his father will be. Anyway, I appreciate your writings on this topic. We were together for 7 years but she was sick for over 4 of those years. I have a very positive outlook and while I miss my wife a lot, I feel that I am young and I want to make the most of my life. I guess I need to set up a proper profile and start chatting to women and going on a few dates. One thing I have noticed that I am getting a bit more attention from single ladies recently. I was out in a bar recently with friends and I met someone I dated years ago. She is single and was very chatty and ended up moving to sit close to where we were, etc. Then added me as a friend on FB a day later. I have had a few similar encounters recently also. I have met some really nice ladies in social settings, some for the first time and others who I know, who are extremely nice and very considerate and had some really nice conversations with but I was unsure if they were just being nice to me because I am a widower or whether they are actually interested in dating, etc. One person really interests me. I know her for years but not very well. She is divorced with kids and I recently met her a few times while out socially. She was very friendly and we had a few nice conversations and she asked how I am getting on and some stuff about my late wife. She is very pretty and we have a lot of mutual friends and interests so I feel it might work. I will be meeting her again in a few weeks at an event. What should I do? My wife who was my best friend died in January 2017. We had been high school sweethearts and best friends for 30 years. Her death was sudden and unexpected. My children and I are very close. We grieved hard for several weeks. There were days I felt like I could not breathe. As a few months passed I realized I had a few options. I could marinate in my sadness which i had been doing , I could end my own life, or I could attempt to move my life forward. I chose the third option and slowly attempted to get my life in order. I grieve every day. I cry every day. I will never completely get over the loss i suffered. I love my late wife and I always will. In a moment of lonely weakness, I created a profile on a dating app. I made sure to be clear that I was recently widowed. I made a few friends and met a couple people for drinks. One in particular, I have fallen for. We have a great time together. We really seemed to click. I knew it was way too soon only a few months after my wife died. I was open with my daughters about what I was doing and at first they were supportive. When it was just an idea, or just texting with a new friend…they were fine. They are not too happy about it. They have, the entire time, refused to meet her. Even during the friend stage. She wants me around, just in case her friends leave and she needs something. So that tears me up. I never wanted to hurt either of them. We have both suffered different loss. She lost a mom. She was eventually leaving the house and leaving her mom and me to pursue her own life. I lost a spouse. I was eventually going to spend the rest of my life with her mom and have a lifelong companion. I was not ever planning on leaving that. I plan on continuing to date this girl and hope that eventually my daughters will understand. I will tell my in-laws about it and go public to everyone in a couple months. That will be the 6 month mark. I know people will judge me. I feel it already. People will always tell you they want you to get better, feel better, and keep your life moving forward. But, everyone has their own idea of how that looks and if you differ from their idea…the will judge you. All i can do is follow my heart and do what i think is right. Many widowed folks think about and often begin to date within the first year. You are, in my opinion, being quite cognizant and understanding of the needs of everyone. Her feelings and viewpoint are perfectly normal and so are yours. My husband and his youngest played on a rec volleyball team together. Things generally work out. Time, patience and occasionally reminding everyone that you are still an adult capable of deciding what he wants for himself. Please, may I share some insights? I lost a dear friend almost three years ago. Her husband also a dear friend found a new love in six months and remarried six months after that. Just six months after her death he was crazy in love again and acting like a teenager, he was so giddily happy. THAT is exactly what killed me—I was, and am, still grieving her loss and he replaced her in 26 mere weeks! And I mean he did, indeed, replace her by his actions and words. I could not attend the wedding and have since drifted away from our friendship. So I grieve that loss too. His first wife of 27 years is truly dead and gone. I never saw him look at his first wife the way he looks at his new one. He claims he deeply loved my friend, but like I said, I never saw him treat her the way he does the new one. The ache of loss is still wretched for me and her family and friends. Your daughters can never replace their mom—that ache and loss is unending. Watching you move on when they cannot is beyond expression in depth and anguish. We remain in the abyss of pain and sorrow while he and you are now in utter merriment, passion and joy. It hurts on top of the existing hurt more than you can comprehend. Yes, you deserve to find happiness…. The least you can do is validate their pain and listen with an open heart to their concerns. Take their counsel into consideration. My heart goes out to you all; well, mostly your daughters whose grief cannot be eased by your new girlfriend, and in fact, is worsened. That gives them a feeling that something in all this sadness is in their control, which is so very necessary in the months and years ahead. Remember, when your wife suddenly died your family was irrevocably changed in a sad and devastating way. Then when you bring a new person into your heart and life, you further change it irrevocably. No one was ready for the first change, and only you are ready for the second. The rest are still in the days when it hurts to breathe. No matter how it looks to you. No one is replaced. But I stand by my assertion that granting our children veto power over our personal lives is a bad idea always. Aside from my youngest, I have no blood ties to anyone that I know of. All relationships to me are a choice. And I chose to marry their Dad — who willingly accepted fatherhood again his kids were grown and mine was in preschool and I saw no reason not to do the same. And we are a family. Even though they were grieving, they decided that the long term was more important than the short-term and they accepted, supported and moved on with us rather than disappearing or trying to make trouble. I was 11 months out when I met my husband and he was just four. We were friends and then we decided to pursue a relationship. All family, friends and most importantly, our children were kept in the loop. Six months later we married. We will celebrate our tenth anniversary soon. One last thing I want to address. Widowed people I know who have remarried and I know many however, often take the time to express their feelings more than they did because they know how precarious life is and that it can be over in an instant. I am sorry for your loss and your continued struggles. Thanks for sharing Jennifer. I lost the one person I was supposed to grow old with, spend my golden years with, share my deepest thoughts and dreams with for the rest of my life. I lost the every day of my life for the rest of my life person. This loss is so much different than anything anyone not in this position can possibly begin to understand. Had I not been in this position myself, I can see how someone could miss understand the whole thing. I recognized that I would have judged someone in my position a little too. But, having lived through it from this end, I seen things a little different. I love my late wife and I always will. I hardly feel that is fair to request the person who must trudge forward in this situation they did not foresee being in, to do so in a somber manner at all times so you are not offended. I agree with Ann when she says that the survivor sees life as being short and fleeting. If I find something in my remaining time on earth could seriously only be minutes that I love, should I not embrace that and love it fully. Maybe the surviving spouse learned a valuable lesson about being more affectionate with loved ones while they are still alive not true in my case as my late wife and I were very affectionate and told each other how much we loved one another on a daily, if not more, basis. I will grieve that loss for the rest of my life. I still cry every day. I still think about her every day. I know that It will be a long time before I could consider myself a completely whole person again. But I also know that life is short and love and companionship are important things to me. Nobody, including her friends, is more upset about that than I. If my happiness pisses people off, so be it. Life is too short. BK, I just lost my husband of 29 years, 3 weeks ago. It is such a hard time, and I have lost my parents and friends, but you are right. Losing the person who you love the most is not even in the same ballpark. He had cancer for 2 years and some of that time was caring for him at the end. I loved him and showed him I loved him until his last breath. Those years were spent knowing he was fading, but spending every moment as much as possible, in the moment with laughter, memories, and what our plans were. No one can fathom what that is like, except those who have been in that position. Now that he is gone, I feel somewhat incomplete. I have to go through his material things and sort them as we talked about. I have so many things that seem disorganized in my life now from finances, my home do I downsize, sell or rent , property upkeep by myself, material things, relationships, etc. It is a very trying time. Once I feel like I am getting my balance back and know who I am as a single person. I think I would like to slowly date. My children nor my friends will be able to dictate when or whom I date. Only other widows and possibly folks who were abandoned by a partner , could truly understand how this feels. I thoroughly enjoyed your posts. Your viewpoint was well written and very touching and real. I just lost my husband; truly he was the love of my life; he was my everything. We were married for 12 years; together for 15 and friends for 7 years prior. Our kids grew up together in our home. I thought I had done all I could to help them through his painful death and the weeks that followed. I am very close to his friends though and they are so supportive as well as disheartened because my husband would have been devastated So — all I wanted to add was that when this happens part of you die too. I can tell you that after going through what I did over these last four months — I want to run away — anywhere- and somehow take my husband — our remembered life and try and figure it out. I also want to be away — forget this , forget everything- maybe start new — but — there is that vulnerability, grief and guilt. It makes your perspective tilt; its unimaginable. Perhaps time will help you. A friend of mine — also a pastor helped me by reminding me that those who die immediately find peace and incredible love, your friend is there and she and my husband are not suffering- we are I started dating a guy about 6 months after my husband passed. He had a 3 year old and I had a 3 and 5 year old. After 8 months I ended it after he freaked out on me about visiting my dad for the day and not wanting to cook dinner for him and his kid when I got home. I was scared of what he would try to do if I told him the actual reasons why we needed to break up because of the way he acted the last few months of the relationship. So call me an asshole but gotta do what yuh gotta do to keep your kids and you safe. After this relationship I definitely do not want to date for a long time. All I can think about is how much I miss my husband and what we had! It has now been about 15 months since he died unexpectedly and somedays it feels like the first day he was no longer with us. If they were assholes before, they probably still are. Take care of yourself. My mother passed away and my father secretly started dating, almost immediately, after her passing. Im not certain as i have yet to be introduced to her. They are getting married and my father is moving away to were she lives. I am expected to attend the wedding, which is his 3rd marriage and not her first marriage as she is widowed as well. They are making it an elaborate wedding which i find distasteful. My father is 70 yrs old and she is 15 yrs younger. What upsets me is he has yet to introduce his family to her. Again, noone has met this woman I dont expect my father to remain celebate and miserable the rest of his life. I realize he is elderly so timing is an issue for him as he may only have a few good years left. What bothers me is, again, i feel as if my feelings dont matter. Also i do truly believe they had an affair while my mother was very ill and living in a nrsg home at the time it happened. I am having a hard time finding some respecting for thi woman bc of the affair and jumping in so quickly after a man just lost his wife of 27 yrs. I really dont want to feel this way but i cant seem to get past it. My children are also upset as is my brother. The other issue is my father was married previously before my mother for 20 yrs. He met my mom supposedly while going through his divorce. He had 4 children which have nothing to do with him. This really doesnt seem to bother him much. Its like he left them for a whole new family when he married my mom and now i feel he is doing the same to us. I dont want to be that adult problem stepchild but i am still greiving for my mom and dont like the sneakiness of his behavior. I dont like being lied to either as it insults my intelligence. And theres been lies and decisions made but withheld by his choice, than disclosed after the fact. I am so confused… We had a very close family that somehow seperated sfter mom passed. It just wasnt the same. She was the glue that held it together i guess. I know this post is old but i just need to get this off my chest. You are trying to be supportive. You are making the effort. Given that your father has effectively moved on from one family to a new one before have you thought about reaching out to your older siblings to try to get some clarity? Go to the wedding or not. Make the effort to stay in close touch or not. Family dynamics do change after the death of a parent. Not always for the better. More time when you are feeling abandoned by your remaining parent. Take care of you. Interesting to read the threads. I am still grieving for a dear friend who died from Stage 4 breast cancer 2 years ago. Her husband 60 quickly moved on to a girlfriend he met on the internet who lives in a nearby suburb, Within 4 months of my friends death, 35 year marriage, he was introducing the new lady friend. He honored my friends wish that he should live life and enjoy it with a new lady, and her wish that it would not be a person from their friendship group. The lady is nice, similar age and demographic. I am sad about it I think he should have waited a year. I have met the new gf twice. Recently she blanked me in the supermarket. There is another story like this of a very quick remarriage after a cancer death, in my circle. Just reflecting it still feels like I grieved more than he did. I am sorry for your loss. Those differences matter and they inform the grieving process. My husband was just four months out when we met. I think one thing that people do not realize is that when you are married to someone dying with cancer, and the spouse is a caretaker, the spouse is grieving that entire time. My husband had cancer for 2 years terminal and I cried so many nights. I know that his friends cared about him and they were sad, but they did not experience being with him every single day and the toll it takes on the caregiving spouse. A lot of that time is grieving before the death. Just a different perspective. If you have never lost someone in this manner, it is sometimes difficult to understand. Hi Ann, Firstly I must say your opinion and this thread has given me some reasurrance — and I thank you for that. Our relationship was different than most, considering that the second half of it was in long distance where we only saw each other once, during autumn 2014. The two of us come from very different cultures and countries, whereas I am Northern European, while he was middle eastern. This tended to make our relationship a bit difficult, and we struggled with disagreements. He was also quite jealous, and I did feel like he limited me in some ways even though he would heavily disagree of ever having had that power over me. I guess questioning my own readiness should be the answer I need, but I am kind of torn in half. One part of me really wants to get back to it, but another part of me tells me I should wait. There were guys I thought I was attracted to, when in fact it was only the attention they gave me that attracted me. My diseased boyfriend — despite the issues we had — helped me mature so much, and I no longer feel as insecure anymore. My mother was also very clear on how I should take some time off, truly figure out who I am and what I want, before going back. Sorry about the long message, I just needed to let it all out. Dating though is sorta part of the process of figuring out what we want and reminding us of who we are. Your mother thinks time off is a must. And by the way, thinking about dating is also part of the process of figuring out who you are and what you want. In my opinion, when you start to think about wanting to date, you are probably ready to make some actual plans to do it. Is this what you want? Decide what your goals are. And then see what happens. You are not the person you were and unlike a lot of people, you are aware of it. If you feel ready to date, and you want to — do it. Going out for coffee is just going out for coffee. My husband of 21 yrs. He had cancer for approx. He was the love of my life, we were soulmates. He was so concerned about me being lonely so he gave me his blessing to find happiness and love again. My heart aches for him and the tears are endless but I am 48 and have a lot more life ahead of me. I am ready to get on with my life, but am afraid of what my family and friends will say if I meet someone this soon. My husband told his kids that he planned to date, and hopefully marry again, the month after his late wife died. Less trauma later on. Neither my husband nor I encountered overwhelming resistance or disapproval when we started dating each other though we did get a tiny bit when we decided to marry. I was a caretaker to my late husband for over 3yrs. My husband was just four months out when we met it was 11 months for me at that point and I had dated a bit. We were married six months later. I know many widowed who dated in the first year of widowhood and even in the first month or two. Most are happy that you are happy. I am one month out and already planning on marrying someone. Granted, it is an unusual situation; he is my best friend of 22 years and my husband knew him for 6 years. He moved away at 17 and his family forbade him to contact me. At 20, they told me that he was dead. They apparently told him the same about me. A year later I met my husband. Long story short, my husband started corresponding with him and they got to be friends, though the distance prevented us from visiting each other. He knew we had feelings for each other too, which he actually encouraged because he had aggressive lupus snd he knew he was going to die during the next flare up. His last words were for my boyfriend, asking him to marry me, which my boyfriend agreed to do. I get to visit him this summer. We will probably marry next year. But I knew that he was dying for five months before he actually did, and grieved more during that than after. We have loved each other since we were in our early teens. Just came across this post. I found myself widowed for a second time at the age of 47. It feels strange to consider it. And considering it is not acting on it. Do you have a support system? There is an online support group I know of — Widda. If you are interested. There are no rules. I am sorry for your loss. Dear Annie, Thank you for this post, this really helps. I lost by husband 5 months ago, at the age of 31. He was my world.. We used to play world of warcraft together and were part of the same team for more than 6 years. When our team found out, most of them reached out to me via facebook to give their condolences.. I was so touched by this. This is when I got in touch with M. It started out quite platonically — he messaged to give his condolences and to tell me that he was there if ever I needed to scream or shout or just be my punching bag. For some reason, I did actually do that. He was connected to F my husband and me but not in a way that if I started to break down.. After about 2 weeks of my rage.. I was pretty exhausted and decided to ask questions about him.. He had also been in a 10 year relationship and it broke for different reasons than mine. We started talking more and more and I realised that I started developing feelings for him.. He was completely into it and then he backed off.. I mean REALLY backed off.. From there it progressed to.. I told him to stay in the moment with me.. Now its been 2. A while ago he suggested that we meet in October.. I am totally up for it but since then.. I am not quite sure what to do. I know the obvious thing is to drop it.. I think this could actually be more if he could just get his head out of his ass. Any advice would be welcome. Politely because he still responds when you initiate but still pretty much a ghost. LDRs are hard when both people are keen to make things work but at the moment, you are wanting this more than he is. You could simply chalk this up as your first post-widowed relationship. You were both dealing with heartbreak. You got each other through it. Start looking about in your daily life for dating opportunities. Tell him how you feel and what you think the future could be if you both decide to seriously explore this relationship. Final note, you are five months out. Which is not a long time. Be certain of your motivation. Is this relationship what you really want? Ultimately, dating is still dating. I am getting married in a couple of months to a man that I dated 13 years ago, and due to him getting accepted at college 3 hours away and me then 18 taking care of 3 of my cousins that I got temp custody of while my aunt and uncle were in jail… we parted ways. I got married and so did he. I divorced in 2013 and have a 6 year old child. His marriage ended that same year when his late wife passed from cancer leaving him with an 18 month old child. So, he took care of her and did what he was supposed to as a father. Very noble in my opinion because most men could have just walked away especially dealing with an ending marriage before a sudden cancer diagnosis that had no cure and was too far progressed to really save. It literally was a death sentence for her. She also suffered from what sounded like post partum depression and never really bonded with their daughter. She died 15 months later when the baby was 18 months old. So, after 6 months of getting acclimated to being single with a child as a man, he decided he wanted to see what I had been up to and to his surprise I was divorced. He contacted me and things just fell into place where we left them 13 years ago. We got along great, our kids got along with each other, his kid liked me, my kid liked him. It was seemingly very happy! We decided to move in together, he should the marital home he once shared, and we moved into a new house to start a new life for the 4 of us. New house, pool, big back yard, room to ride bicycles… it seemed as if everyone was getting a second chance at a glorious life. Then, out of nowhere, HIS parents and siblings started to tell his child that she had an old mommy that is in heaven but loves her very much and has a new mommy at home. WE NEVER ADDRESSED THAT. I was just called by name and we were all so happy. I had boxed up important things to share with his daughter when she was old enough to inquire and had a BIG plan for that moment for her and I to really bond as friends later in her life. She is constantly reminded by extended family on both sides that her old mommy is in heaven but loves her and she has a new mommy at home. How do you fix that? WE had a great plan. WE wanted to be the ones to tell her on our terms and when she was ready. She never seemed like she felt she was missing or had anything different. She seemed very happy when we all moved in together and was excited she had a big sister. She constantly diagnosed people with either being narcissistic or bipolar or manic or something! So, do you move forward and tell people to stop the drama? After a year and a half of me trying everything under the sun, she just seems like her affection to me has been lost and it tears me up inside. At night I cry silently, praying for something to happen to ease the tension she has towards me and for God to please give me back that sweet little girl that was so happy before people stepped in without even talking to her dad first about any of it or how he would like to approach it. They just took it on themselves. We got engaged and it got worse and is progressively getting worse. I have two friends who married widowers with very small children. In both instances there was some push back from in-laws that was confusing for the children. And in each case, the husband simply had to lay down the law to these people. In one case, things worked out well and in the other, the grandmother finally lost her visitation until she worked out her issues. Your boyfriend has to be the one to talk with the relatives, express disappointment that they overstepped and make it clear to them that they are causing his daughter emotional harm. As she is very young, should rules about what can be discussed with her be put down and followed, she will probably be able to get past this. But he has to set the relatives straight. And the two of you probably need to talk about your family situation and what you want to do moving forward. I am sorry this happened. It is stressful for all but it can be worked out if everyone is willing and remembers that what is best for the child is most important. She cannot be dragged into grieving for someone she never really knew no matter how many memories she is given. It will only hurt and confuse her if this continues. Just fishing for advice I guess. During this time, my gf had a friend that I liked. Liked as in a really really good friend that just so happened to be super attractive to me. Im not a cheater just looked at it as a bonus of my gf having good looking friends. Loved my gf to death at the time. Life goes on but she is now a widow. Her husband was my friend as well during this time 8 years. Now im unsure of what to do. I have consoled her recently over this time without any ill intentions but now my feelings have flared up again. Part of me says that I have no business trying to pursue a relationship because of the circumstances of me being friends with both since the beginning and with her husbands death only being 7 months old. Another part tells me I need to at least tell her how I feel regardless of how weird it could make things because I would hate to lose an opportunity to maybe have something more with her. Should I take a back seat here? Is she indicating in anyway that she is thinking about dating soon? If she is, letting that be your gauge is a plan. If you like her and she seems receptive, there is nothing inappropriate about asking her out on a real date. I want to help him as much as I can! Any advice will be good! Lots of people in the online dating world — not just widowed folk — use virtual relationships to test the waters and to feel less lonely without having to actually get involved with people in real life. I am not saying that this is what your guy friend is doing but people who are serious about wanting to date, set up real dates and will talk about how they feel in concrete terms. I have encountered many women who think that widowers just need time, understanding, a sounding board — the list is endless — and then they will be ready to date, fall in love, commit. What their dreams and hopes are. Mostly because as women we are trained from an early age to please and adapt in order to get love. Someone who wants to move offline and have coffee? So concentrate on what you need and what is best for you and let him figure his own life out. Dating a widowed person should be like dating anyone else. Grounded in the present with a eye on the future. Never in the history of dating has any women fixed a man. My advice is this — you are ready. Find someone who is also ready. From my experience, what do you think about this? My beloved mother passed suddenly and due to medical error 2 and a half years ago. My parents were happily married 34 years. During most of which I saw my father be completely goo goo over my mother,. It has had a profoundly negative effects on me and my grief recovery and I will always hate her and see his lack of ever having to deal with the death by just getting a replacement. I never could even have anyone have a loss like I did, no one to talk about it cuz they were in the honeymoon phase. And I heard them have sex one week after. I never heard my parent have sex. The reality, whether we like it or not, is that our parents are adults and the relationship they had with each other has nothing whatsoever to do with us. Certainly you and he should have been able to talk about how you felt but just as he has no say so in your personal life, you have no say so in his. And the only person in this scenario you have any control over is you. And see what he has to say. My guess is that by keeping silent both your dad and his girlfriend felt that you were okay with things. They only know how you feel if you tell them. Life is far too short to hold grudges or to pass up opportunities to rebuild relationships. Thanks for your opinion I needed it from an outside perspective. And you are very fair and pleasant. My whole life is on hold for grandma. Mind you this was my moms moms house. Ok sorry, thanks any input is welcome. Your feelings are your feelings. And you are in a stressful situation and grieving. And being a caretaker for someone with dementia is very stressful. They can be very helpful. Ultimately, having a one on one calmly with your dad is something you should consider. At the very least, he needs to know how hurtful it is for you to hear the things his girlfriend says about you and feel that perhaps he agrees because he is not defending you. And although it might appear that your dad holds all the cards, stop and consider that you are holding down the fort, so to speak. You probably have more power than you think. It could be your father is just dating because he is lonely. Post anytime but please do think about finding a sounding board in your real life. If for nothing other than to listen, validate and remind you that you are probably doing better than you think you are. I am 16 years old , and i was very close to my dad, he was my best friend. Anyway, I was on my moms phone a few times and every time i have it she gets a message from this guy. I decided to click on the messages and although reading them broke my heart i kept going. I get consumed with so much anger, i have tried talking to her but i dont have the guts to. Im close to her but not that close to actually talk to her about it, i guess i always trusted my dad more. I notice that sometimes at night she sneaks out, i assume to see him. I just need someone to give me their opinion, i need someone to talk to. Samantha, I am sorry for your loss. If your mother is younger under 40ish say , the odds go up on how soon widowed people begin to date. I can only speculate, but it appears as though your mom does not want you to know she is seeing someone. You do need someone to talk to about this. Do you have an older sibling, friend, teacher, school counselor, aunt? Someone you can trust to help you decide what you should do next because you do have options. The first being, nothing. Her grief is going to be different from yours because she had a different relationship with your dad than you did. So, if you are able, you could just elect to do nothing and trust that your mom knows what she is doing and is keeping her dating under wraps to give you time. Second, you could confess. She might be angry but maybe you two need to have this conversation. Either way, you should give some thought to finding someone you can really talk to about your feelings. You could check with your local hospice about grief groups for teens. There are online groups and organizations too. I would start with Soaring Spirits. They mostly deal with widowed people but they have a wide network and might be able to point you in the direction of organizations for people your age. I would imagine that you are feeling let down by your mom and pretty alone given that your dad was your go-to. The first months can be quite difficult. I hope this helps in some way. A lot of what he had told me about past relationships now seems cloudy and I wonder whether I should give him a second chance. I lost a lot of weight last year he did too, and now I understand that weight gain to have been related to depression and so he is aware that feeling desired by someone I am dating is a concern to me. My issue is, I was telling him I did not like where things were at right now. Then i gave it some thought, come and read your blog and 3 and I become confused all over again — he has stated very clearly he is looking for a relationship. He had even had a year long relationship since he became a widower. Maybe you can shed some light on all this confusion I feel. I firmly believe that men who want to be in relationships are very clear both action and word-wise. Does this mean your situation is a lost cause? That you should move on? Love is more reserved. Those people exist but can someone like that be a good fit for you long term? You would need to discuss this with him and really think about it for yourself. A lot of times, people show up here and are looking for me to give them their answer. So, what do you want? It really is that simple. Do you want to give him another chance? This time really consciously working on creating the kind of relationship that works for you. But still, this is about you more than him. Talk to someone you know and trust if you can but ultimately, you just need to decide what is going to make you happy and work in your best interests. Thank you for your reply Ann. He has told me a lot about past relationships and his marriage but all under the guise of him having filed for divorce from this woman. His words and actions show he is not ready for a relationship, but when I brought this up he basically asked me not to leave him. This has been difficult for me to accept and act on. We are going to discuss it further on Sunday, but to me, this is not a where is this relationship going conversation. I am merely going to reiterate what i want, which is not unreasonable, affection and interest shown in me in words as well as actions, and he will have to decide for himself if he can offer that or wants to offer that to me. If not, I am going to tell him I need to see other people. Thanks again for your response. Sounds like a good plan to me. They should be ready at the very least to be honest about where they are at, what they are able to give and should recognize that they need to treat prospective partners with the same respect and care they want in return. I hope things go well on Sunday. Thank you so much for this article and your follow-up responses. I am probably unique here in that I am both the adult child of a widower my mom passed away when I was in college and now a widower myself. You are absolutely correct about not allowing children to have veto power over if and when their surviving parent starts dating again. We all thought he was crazy and obviously would have vetoed it had he asked us , but looking back at it 20 years later, I can see that it was the best thing that could have happened to him — and they are indeed still very happily married to this day. I am glad you found some information here that helped. My husband met me around the four month mark. It is perfectly normal to want to date again and to get back to it quickly. Good luck to you! I wrote in reply to this article close to 2 years ago. I was widowed at 29 when my husband chose to end his life. I knew from early on that I wanted to date again. I was ashamed of wanting to date so early and afraid of what people would think or say. To be perfectly honest I was also afraid if this was not good for me, maybe I did need more time and I now had emotional baggage in any relationship I would begin. My friends and family, including my in-laws, were all very supportive and wanted me to be happy. The truth is there is no manual for being a widow and everybody heals in their own way and in their own time. You will know when you are ready. I married at the age of 20 to a widower with 5 children ages 15,14,9,8,and 5 and it was love at first sight so I married him right away not realizing that his children would cause problems for me. Through out our whole marriage my husband kept pictures of his late wife and other items belonging to her for his children which I understood. Again his children were horrible to me at his wake,at the memorial,and after that. So after my husband died I decided to get away from his 5 children and I moved closer to my own family, I keep in touch with our daughter and my son lives with me. I wore black the whole year in support of my love for my late husband, and even had dreams every night that he was still alive, but I knew better. So now I am much stronger now after the 10 years have gone by. Right so I broke it off. And it seems like everyone I meet are widowers when they are scammers. I recently meet a seemingly nice widowe with a 8 year old son, I still have trust issues. So is it OK for me to go back to dating? My heart tells me differently when I am chatting with him. Perhaps there are valid reasons for not dating this guy or maybe you are projecting emotions on this situation because of the issues with earlier guys. As I was once told, a date is not a commitment for anything other than a date. Coffee is just coffee. A movie is just a movie. Only do what makes you comfortable and always be as 100% upfront and honest about your intentions and expectations as possible. Take things slow or take a pass. This is your life and you are calling the shots. Do what makes you feel happy and safe and if you have a good, trusted friend who you can run things by without worrying that they will judge or they have their own agenda , by all means — talk to them. As often as they can stand it. Sounding boards are good. Bottom line is always you. Hi, I read your article, and have read a good amount of comments. My brother is about to turn 19, and I am about to turn 21. We are both college students, but I go to school 4 hours away from home while my brother goes to a commuter school. My Mom just turned 53, and my Dad was 56 when he died unexpectedly. They were together for 32 years. I want my Mom to be happy, and I understand that she had a different loss than I am experiencing. My brother also understands, but disagrees with it entirely. I try to be really supportive to compensate for my brother. She was very upset that I was upset, which made me even more upset and feeling hurt and rejected by my mother. She started dating another guy, and I have been really stoked about this one. He treats her very well, and I even have some common interests with him. She is visiting me at college in a few weeks, and she just announced to me that the guy is going to meet us there for a dinner one night. At first I was excited to meet him, but then I realized that she was still texting, and calling, other men. I told her this and tried to be gentle with it, but she got really defensive and angry, and told me that they were hanging out whether I was there or not. Her best friend who is essentially my second mother was there, and at first agreed with my sentiments, but then flipped sides once my Mom got upset. Am I wrong to be uncomfortable with this? She and I have entirely different dating styles, so that makes it harder. I agree that my Mom has the right to date whoever she wants, but am I wrong to not want to meet this guy, especially in my college town? I am still devastated that my father is gone, and she throws this at me 4 days before Christmas. I try to avoid the topic as much as I can, but she brings up something about dating in every single conversation that we have. You are absolutely entitled to your feelings and to your own value system when it comes to dating and I can understand how upsetting it is to disagree with your mom especially at your age and given that you are very close to her generally. She probably talks to you a lot about it because she views you as peer in this respect. This is more likely the root of your problem. She wants you to be a part of her dating. Talking about the guys. Reading between the lines. All that kind of thing that you might do with your friends. You need some boundaries. And doing this might cause some initial hurt feelings. Circumstances dictate otherwise here. Personally, I always opt for honesty and I usually tell people that it is better to just have a conversation and put everything on the table and see where things go from there. If she objects you could reinforce your point by asking her how she would have felt had her mother put her in the same position. She will likely understand that. For this upcoming dinner. You could still say no. It would force a boundary talk though. Or you could simply change the dynamics by bringing a friend with you, moving the meal to lunch or scrapping the meal in favor of coffee. You can also have another engagement that you have to get to in order to keep dinner really short. Sometimes, we have to do things to keep peace and for the greater long term good a sucky side of being grown up, I know and sometimes, we need to stand up and assert ourselves — also for the greater long term good. Before you do anything, run your options by a friend that you really trust and get some in real life feedback. And then just do what you think is best and trust that things will work out. You seem to me to be a very smart young lady and you are, in my opinion, a very good daughter. Ann, Thank you for taking the time to respond so quickly, and as fully as you did. My Mom believes on mother and child boundaries, so I believe that this will go over well. The dinner is going to be with a really great man, so maybe meeting him could give her the confidence she needs to settle with just him, or maybe not. Thanks again for your advice. There is no right or wrong way to grieve in terms of time frames. And many people do grieve and start new relationships while doing so. How all of this will turn out depends a lot on how honest and open you are with each other. Communication is very important. Your complicated history is going to influence your current relationship and so, in my opinion, it might be a good idea to make sure that all history is settled. There are no hard feelings, guilt and ideas that the past can be changed or fixed by your relationship now. The past is past. It would be good if you both periodically made a point of talking about where you are at and where you want to go. You are fortunate that you have found one another again. There is risk in love. Be patient with yourself. He should cut himself some slack too. Just take it a few days at a time. I hope things turn out the way you hope they will. Interesting artical, are people still discussing this topic here? Stewart, this is by far the most read post here but not many ppl do more than read and those who do are generally women who are dating widowers. I read and reply to most things but this is a topic I have moved away from. I have found that most people have to simply discover for themselves that dating is dating and relationships are relationships and the rest is merely details. The only thing we have control over is how we behave and the standards we set for ourselves. Thanks for leaving your comment. And, I am realize that I am going out on a presumptive limb here, my basic impression of the majority of widowed folk is that they are not rendered emotional simpletons by their losses and are still able to make sound judgements of suitability and character about the people they may date and or marry. Hi Ann, I appreciate your perspective and am finding some reassurance in your article. I am a widow of 5 years, having lost my husband suddenly after 21 years of a quite difficult marriage. He has been widowed less than 5 months. He is clearly grieving and devastated by his loss, which is compounded for him by the deaths of two other close family members in the last few years. For my part, I have a mentally ill and volatile teenager. I guess my question is whether two people who are at times quite fragile should even contemplate a romantic relationship? Or when can they begin to contemplate it? Or, how can we do this without risking hurting each other? Our time together is so very special and fun, but I am worried that the freshness of his loss means that our budding romance is doomed. I feel like if we were able to wait at least a year, perhaps the most acute grieving will be behind him. I guess that is true for any relationship tho…. Thank you so much for this forum. Anytime you begin a romantic relationship, you run the risk of possibly getting hurt or hurting someone else. You kinda have to be okay with this in advance or you might wind up regretting taking the chance in the first place, and there is nothing wrong with risking. We risk all the time when we encounter new people or run into people from our pasts. I understand you concerns about your friend being relatively fresh in terms of widowhood. There is a big difference between five months and five years out. That said, it can be challenging to begin a relationship while still working through the loss and sadness. Grieving is a nature reactions to loss. Some people master the balancing act sooner than others. A few people never do. I see nothing wrong with letting him set the pace at this point as long as you are comfortable with it and you are both communicating your feelings. Look, you are just dating. We date to see if there is something there worth pursuing and maybe building a life on. Sometimes we find life-mates. Nothing ventured, however, nothing gained. I am going to assume that you and he have discussed what you are doing and agree that it is dating? Otherwise, try not to over-think. You are having fun. Dating should be fun. There are no rules, and if this feels like something worth pursuing — do it. Need to be clear in my own mind what is going on and keep those communication channels with him open at all times. Thanks so much for such a kind, understanding, well written article. We had a great life and love, dating for about eight years prior to be married for exactly two months short of fifteen years. Much of what you wrote has been on my mind, including the perception of others, ranging from the friends we had together, to the reaction of family, This morning on the way to work I was actually even thinking that perhaps a good time to start pursuing dating is right after vacation in July, which will include the scattering of ashes where we were engaged and at another spot special to us. That will be just past the three month mark of her death, and about four months since she was last conscious and able to converse with me. The whole dating thing is a scary proposition to me right now…like I said, I tend to be shy and am not at all experienced with the dating scene and none with the modern version of same! I know I have mentioned this in replies here and there on widowed dating posts, but my husband was just a bit past the four month mark when we met, and many, many widowers seem to begin dating, or trying to, somewhere between 3 — 4 months and the end of the first year. Just the typical double standard stuff. Lots of folks, and not just widowed, tend to jump in without any plan at all. This is what leads to issues and disaster, again in my opinion. As long as you know yourself, know what you want and expect and are open and honest about it with people — things are likely to be just fine. This way, no one is taken by surprise and who knows, someone might even know someone who is looking to date as well. Volunteer organizations or church related. You could take a class. People should be judged in the present tense and not by their relationship resume, but when people are new to each other, our pasts are all we have to form opinions. And the opinion of many women is that widowers are hot prospects. Half the battle to get out into the dating world again is preparation. Knowing what to expect of yourself and others can make it easier to deal with when situations arise because you will have already thought about how you might respond. Just remember that going out for coffee is just going out for coffee. Getting to know someone is just that and nothing more unless you both decide it could be something more. Hi Ann, I have been a widow for two years now and I have such mixed emotions to get back to dating. It is very scary these days, you see my husband was my first and only man for 45 years. I was 17 and he was 19 when we got married. I was 63 when he died with Colon Cancer. Things and people are so much different now. My husband and I had 2 boys and 2 girls, but loss our oldest boy four months before my husband. They are behind what ever my dicission is. I mostly worry about the man and what he thinks of me and if I would be pleasing to him no matter the weight, but to want me for who I am. Thank you for allowing women like myself to be able to express my thoughts and feelings without being looked down on. But you have a lot of positives going for you because your children are supportive and you have good relationship experience under your belt. There is a man for every way, shape and size woman there is. And they worry too. If it is the weight thing that is giving you pause, there are things you can do — not necessarily to lose weight — but to give you confidence. Take a fitness class or start walking or try a yoga class. Sometimes just being physically active is enough to remind us that our bodies might be aging but they are still capable of more than we give them credit for. You might also think about dance classes or joining a league of some kind — bowling or golf. Nice active pursuits where you might meet someone and you can regain some body confidence. You are correct that you should be appreciated and loved for who you are. Understanding that going into dating will save you trouble later on. Just remember, dating is simply the process by which we choose companions. Meeting for coffee or dinner or a movie is just that and nothing more unless both parties agree to progressing. Know what you want. Your husband thought you were awesome and someone else is bound to have that kind of good judgement too. I started dating a widower over six months ago. He has two grade school children and his LW passed some time ago I think over 7 years. I have come to this site as I am looking for insight. On a separate cell phone no less another story of texts and charges. He has met my family and some of my friends. I have met only an old high school aquaintence of his that he connected with on FB… not any of is other friends or family. With regard to his children: I had not expected to meet them right away, having it happen when the timing was right. Drama abounds with the sisters-in-law and he runs to their aid even though they have other men in their lives. He has broken dates with me, does not call when he says he is going to, is constantly late, apologizes, then repeats the same disrespectful behaviors. I opened my heart to this man and thought we might have a future together as he has discussed that as well. Any insight or even a good swift kick in the ass would be appreciated. He is overly concerned about his in-laws feelings on the subject of dating. Are you okay being a secret? With not having the relationship you want? It is your relationship too. That should carry no weight in the discussion. He is either in or he is playing games — whether he thinks he is or not. You are allowed expectations. In fact, I encourage you to have them. What do you want? What would make you happy? What needs to change for this to happen? There are a lot of men in the world though sometimes it might not seem that way. Men who would be more than happy to have a relationship where both parties are happy, committed and working to a common goal. You say he has discussed a future? It will probably not be easy. He has allowed his children too much power. Success breeds overconfidence in kids. They will not give him up willingly. You should expect issues there too. And he has come to rely after 7 years on the widow card. No more special treatment. You deserve to be loved and happy and a participant in your own life and relationship. Ask yourself, what do I want? What do I need to do? And then make a plan and execute it. Unless status quo is okay with you and I am guessing not since you are here , what do you really have to lose? My wonderful husband died 132 days ago. We have been communicating regularly for about 3 weeks and obviously I am interested but I am worried that it will appear to friends that I was not 100% committed and deeply in love with my husband. I have been honest with my new friend and we are both well aware that this is complicated. I feel like I need permission to date…especially so soon. I did not go looking…in fact these feeling blind sided me…. I know it is my life…and in order to go on without my husband I need to join the living…. My husband was just 4ish months out when he and I met online. We started out as friends and when it became quickly clear that there might be much more — we made the decision to explore it. We were never secretive but it was only on a need to know basis that we slowly enlightened others. I have a very dear friend who listened and gave advice sparingly and encouragement often. She was a great help to me. But there will be people who question and even have the nerve to judge and call your love for your late husband suspect when you begin to date, explore commitment and even fall in love and really move on. Not much can be done about this. It helped enormously to take that stand from the beginning and to not engage in any debates about it. It may take them longer to be happy for you, but most will put on a brave face for you if you seem sure and happy. People come along and you make the decision to seize and explore the opportunities or you decide to wait for the next one. In that way, dating and falling in love again after changed much. Internal conflict is inevitable. Mixed feelings and second-guessing happen. We are not meant to grieve intensely or continuously forever. Most people are or have started to move on within the first year or shortly after. Take it a day at a time. Allow yourself to be happy. Good luck to you. My stepdaughters were 22 and 24 when he and I remarried. I asked him what he would have thought if one of them had come to me and told me it was too soon for us to marry. Being there to listen and reassure them is part of the parenting job, but allowing them to decide who you date and when you remarry is out of bounds and they need to know this because once you let them have veto power over your personal life, they are unlikely to give that power up. I am going to assume that you and your late wife did not allow your daughter to dictate the terms of your marriage and see no reason for you to let your daughter have that power now. Allow her to grieve in her own time. But expect her to respect your decisions and to behave like the well brought up young lady that you and her mother raised her to be. Thank you for writing this article. I am only 32, and am career oriented, intelligent, and a strong person. Online sites are a good place to start. You might want to just find sites that interest you rather than the dating sites at first. There are all types of web forums and you are really only limited by your own likes. But if you prefer to get out, there are the Meet Up groups people post online about real life meetings for people by interest and hobbies. Or you can check out local clubs via your church or library. When you do share, the truth is best and short versions of the story are easier for most people to digest. I am glad you find the post and the comments helpful. I wish you success on your journey. There is a novel about a woman who is 32 years old whose husband committed suicide. She has two young children and does everything she can to avoid telling them how and why their daddy died. You are her exact age, and you are working through some of the same issues she has, including what to say to a date who asks her how her husband died. This novel, Realities by Marian D. Schwartz, has been helpful to women whose husbands have committed suicide. My husband lost his battle to cancer January 5th 2013 He was 34 and I am 35 and we have 2 children a 16 yr old and a 4 yr old. I am not dating nor have prospects but am simply curious on how people go about dating again. A relationship has to be give and take and more or less equally concerned about what both people want, which is why widowed should really think about what they want before they begin to date and be very articulate in the early days with a new person. Next step would be to think about under what circumstances. Then, you set to it. Set up a profile. Decide whether you will tell you children. Dating is easy for some people. Statistically, the younger you are, the more likely you will date and you will remarry. As far as I know, no one has. Regardless, when the time comes or opportunity knocks, you will be fine. Thanks for contributing to the discussion. The more the merrier and the better for next person who stumbles upon this post. I think i am not prepared to be in relationship with…should i tell the man whom i think im in love with? I am happy to have him.. You do owe this man a conversation about your decision and feelings and he is entitled to his reaction. I posted back on Jan 30th about my in-laws reaction to me dating just a few short months after my husbands death. At the time I was very upset by my in-laws negative reaction this. My heart, mind or soul is not ready to be shared with anybody else. I still miss my husband soooo very much and still cry often. I think that a male companion would be nice though, somebody to go out with, laugh with, have fun with of the opposite sex but do realize this could very tricky. I have recently started to lose wait, utilize my spare time in meaningful ways as much as possible and focus on myself for myself! God has a plan for me and whatever it may be will happen, I just need to do right until it does!!! While it is regrettable that your great guy got hurt, hurt is what we risk when we date. Not every relationship works out as we hope. Widowed daters and those they date are just like everyone else in the dating game in that regard. Not everyone who dates widowed or not is honest about their motivations and needs, so good on you that you were. And not all widowed folks find dating or new relationships are in their futures — immediate or farther down the line. For some of us, there is only one great love just like for some of us there might be second or thirds and for some, there will never be a great love. I am glad that you have come to a place where you know what is best for you and that you are happy with it. Figuring out what works for you. Thanks for stopping back and updating. This post gets a lot of traffic and sharing your story might help someone else who finds themselves here someday. I truly appreciated this article. My husband took his own life 3 months ago. We had a very bipolar marriage and had gotten into a huge fight that same week. I believe in my heart of hearts that I was done with him that week. I am 29 years old and he was 34, I had been with him since I was 20 and we were married for 6 years. I am extremely close to his family one that my good friend calls a cult His sister is my age and my best friend. His other sister and sister in law mother and I are also close. I have been part of the family for 9 years and have 10 nieces and nephews, they will continue to be a part of my life for the rest of it. I am with high hopes that our relationship stays the same, but I am not sure. Two weeks ago I was bored and lonely at home and joined a dating site. I met a man, spoke with him for a few days and then met for coffee. In the last 2 weeks we have spent 8 days together. He is extremely nice and I have a lot of fun with him. After I told her I was no longer going to discuss my dating life with her we agreed on talking about it in smaller doses. I told my MIL on Sun, she seemed fine about it, at first. Him and I went snow tubing on Sun and I posted a pic of us, just a pic of us standing in front of the lodge. She texted me today asking that I take down the pic? She would like to speak with me first about how she feels about it. I was livid but so upset. I truly and honestly care for and love my in-laws deeply and I would never do anything to intentionally hurt them. At the same time, however, I think they really have no business dictating my life. I am a grown ass woman. I think it may be a little early for me to date but I truly crave what I currently have with this man and I am 100% honest with him and tell him that I do have baggage and I am still grieving and he understands! No, you are not wrong. It is not wrong to want to live life and move on and be happy. It is not wrong to seek out companionship and enjoy having found it. And it is perfectly normal for your in-laws and friends to be upset when they discover you are dating again. Your being hurt by their reaction is normal too. As you say, you are a grown woman. It does mean that there will be discussions and possibly some emotional pain for them and for you as all of you redefine your relationships. About the last thing a widowed person has for others who are not at the same place in the grieving process has she is, is patience. To preserve relationships, patience and understanding is required, and I know this seems backwards, but widowed are often called upon to be the cooler heads of reason in these cases. I think that your discussion and solution with your sister-in-law was a good one. Something similar needs to happen with your mother-in-law. My own family was very supportive when I met my now husband, Rob, but I had a few dissenters among friends and co-workers who I simply told that they had no say in the matter. He too was firm on the position that he would not be told how to live his life even while making it clear that he understood why his moving on and remarrying was hard for them. None of this easy. People often use the widowed person as a way of gauging where they should be in the whole grieving thing. Just remember, people who love and value you will come around quickly to the fact that your moving on. In the meantime, just keep doing what you are doing. You are meant to have a full and happy life and to love and be loved. Good luck to you. I started dating a widower 3 months after his wife passed, we were all friends and very close to one another, I sat with her on her death bed even. To me their relationship felt over many years before, but it carried on to till death do we part, maybe perhaps this is why it was easier for him to move on. I was even accused of having an affair before she passed, which is not true, I lost friends and respect of others. However we get along perfect, and his side of the family welcomed me right in, and my family we are very supportive, so that helps. Where do I begin? Becoming his wife, and he my husband made me a different person, the selfless love from him, I do believe changed me at the core. I am at a TOTAL loss and bereft without him year mark just passed but I feel a completely different more sufficient person having become his wife. He gave me validation and only now am I learning to validate myself. I think the nonsense that we have to be complete persons before having a relationship is just that — nonsense. I was and am a professional health care provider both before, during and now after my husband and I became one. Yes I still wear black. I sit under a UV light which helps me not be so depressed and gives me a sense of control, and the other day wearing a high vis. How does a person deal with the complexity of needing companionship whilst at the same time feeling the need to be alone to fully feel the feelings of the loss and, still shock at times? Being a very committed Christian, I would never consider extramarital anything, but oh… this is complicated. Cycling also has been a great help. Sorry this is so, so, SO long, and thanks for reading all the way to the end. In my opinion, once a person decides that another companion, possibly new love, is in order, it is a matter of being open to possibilities and putting yourself out there in order to find them or let them find you. It would be easier if there was a handbook. Regardless of what the loss is. And that it generally begins to happen earlier than most folks think. Within the first year. And by the end of the second, the majority report being as happy or more happy than they had been previous to loss. It sounds to me as though you are doing what you need to for yourself. I remember feeling that myself as I approached the first year mark. And there is nothing abnormal with being impatient for it all to be over. The number of us that enjoy widowhood is very small indeed. You have to take care though with a married male friend. You might think about casting about for male friendship via another avenue than men you know who are married already. Everyone gets to this awkward stage of widowhood where you feel like clinging and casting off the widow weeds at the same time. Transitions are hard and being human, we are not big on change even when it is a positive thing. You will get through this. Just keep pushing yourself out there. Do what you are doing. One day it will all fall into place. He does not like much her family. I suppose they realize what is going on from the very beginning. He leaves his 2-year-old son for every weekend with in-laws so they see each other twice a week and have just a small talk mainly concerning the baby. The other aspect of that secret may be that her father claims a very high compensation connected with her wrongful death. He wishes to be seen as a lonely widower whose wife was recently for me almost two years is not too recently killed in a very dramatic accident. Ah, so a few things are in play: 1 a lawsuit with money and 2 visitation coupled with childcare. Maybe he is worried about a custody fight as in-laws have been known to do that or maybe it is as simple as he just appreciates having someone dependable and free to watch his child every weekend. Regardless, he owes you an actual explanation and then really, you need to decide if the status quo is something you can live with or not. Secrets always come out and the fall out in the aftermath is usually worse than just having been honest in the first place. The Internet is teeming with resources for widowed these days but there is still not a lot of credible, factual info for the people who date and marry them and, often, not a lot of empathy for the difficulties that can arise. Hi, just like to say thanks for such an interesting post. I still love my husband and miss him, and he will always be in my heart. But I want to move on with my life and make the most of it. We spoke about this subject several times in his last year after he was diagnosed with a terminal cancer, and he wanted me to be happy. What the experience has taught me is that life is for living and I feel that I can go out and have fun, without feeling too guilty, as it is what he would have wanted. But dating and getting married again are two different issues. Dating could be just keeping company with someone, dine out or even going for vacation together while re-marrying is a life time commitment with all the legal and social complication. Children, in my opinion, are the prime determining factor. My mom told me she stared dating about 3 years after dad died in 1984 but it was not until 27 years later at 74 that she decided to marry again. Her main concern over the years was about our me and my sister feeling and the social pressure for being disrespectful to dad. I wish I were more mature and frank enough to speak with each other on this issue I knew she had missed a few good men because of us. Something I still regret up to this day. When my husband passed away last summer also predeceased by my brother -in-law a year earlier! Despite that my husband and I were already separated when he departed, the sense of loss was much intense that I first anticipated. As a successful career woman, I am emotionally stronger than mom. But at the same time, I was taking a lot more pressure financially and from work. Compounded with the fact that I was already transferred to Singapore at the time while my daughters 21 and23 were still studying in the States, the feeling of isolation was simply tremendous. I felt lonely, depressed and totally stressed out. I kept paying detail attention on my personal appearance I regularly buy new shoes and wardrobesto please myself while getting spa and pedicure treatments on weekly basis , get regular exercises and constantly involved in social activities with male companions whenever viable. Determined not to spend the rest of my life alone, I also enhance my emotional status by taking regular Tai Chi and yoga classes while atending Positive Thinking seminar from professional speakers. Confirming with modern etiquette norm, I also started switching my wedding abnd to the right hand as a symbolic gesture of my changed status. So far, my new journey is still proceeding on perfect footing. And he even sent her a beautiful white rose grave saddle for free which I paid USD169. Happily, they are together for well over a year now and all is going well. Learning from the experience of mom, I voluntarily discussed these issues with my daughters and in-laws not long after my husband passed and managed getting full understanding in effect, blessings! As far as dating as a widow is concern, openness remains my personal principle. Time has changed and I am sensing objectivity and acceptance from most people nowadays. There are just so many of us now unfortunately that people have no choice but to accomodate us and treat us fairly like everyone else. I hope you also agreed. Victoria GL I think your approach was a thoughtful and healthy one. Too many times widowed buy into the idea that the way to move on is by embracing a lot of the less constructive approaches and go the Queen Victoria route rather than realizing that staying as positive as possible and active will get one back on her feet and feeling more like herself faster. I think most adult children struggle. I am glad things are working for you. Good luck to you in the future and thanks for offering your story and perspective. My mother in law was married 40 years before her 2nd husband died. She was dating a man within three months afterwards. Everyday, i worry his grandchildren in college in our town or his adult children nearby will find out and be heartbroken. Surely, none of us expected her to remain alone for life, but jumping back into a relationship so fast sends a message to his family that he was forgotten quickly and dare i say his memory disrespected. Of course, as mentioned above. There is also the vulnerability issues of the widow. I tnink six months to a year is reasonable and prudent. They date because they find that they want to and that it makes them happy. For all you know, the two discussed this very issue at some point, or many points, during their marriage. My late husband and I did in fact discuss dating again and remarriage. I am indifferent and think I will not bother again. My mother is 80 and widowed. My sister and I have told her that whatever she wants to do is fine with us. She is an adult and as a mother, she has had the excellent sense to not ever offer comment or advice on our love lives, so we are extending her the same courtesy. Children, extended family and friends are most helpful when they are supportive. When they are full of criticism or try to be controlling — they are just short of being just another burden for the widowed person to put up with. Until then — shut up. How dare Robert have an opinion on his family breathtaking in its self-righteousness …. On the whole I think Robert has hit the nail on the head. You may or may not have been ready to have started dating again when you did, I obviously cannot comment on that. You may well have been emotionally equipped to deal with it but I strongly doubt it. Widow card-carrying widows are the most self-indulgent selfish lowest of lows. They refuse to confront their own grief by projecting their lost hopes and dreams on a poor, kind, well-meaning man who can never live up to the saintly figure they are always being compared to. They are emotional vampires who then leach of their families and friends when it, inevitably, all goes wrong. Most psychologists swear by the 12 month rule, but then again Ann who are we to argue with a widow…… Simple advice fellas, obey the 12 month rule Robert can have any opinion he likes, but as a woman, I found his attitude patronizing and a shade or two sexist. The rules for widowers are still different than those for widows. And I was merely pointing out, that as a grown woman, I expect my children to remember their place — which is not as my peer. Only a very small percentage continue in active grief from this point on and they usually had a history of emotional problems prior to their loss. Argue with a widow? I merely share my experiences, which not surprisingly mirrors many others. I am also not the only widow I know who dated early and was married under the two year mark. And we are all just fine in our relationships, but thanks for your concern. If anyone has an issue here, it seems to be you. Regardless, your bitterness is showing. Rest assured that people will do as they want no matter what they read here, or anywhere else, and in spite of the efforts of their family and friends to make them conform.